


Barry Allen, Dying Man

by gakorogirl



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Not Beta Read, So much angst, au-ish, but I wanted to write some Angst, could this have been avoided? probably, none of my stuff is betaed but this is less revised than usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 20:24:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7005067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gakorogirl/pseuds/gakorogirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the point of view of the rest of the world, Barry crosses the city in a heartbeat, faster than a speeding bullet. From Barry's point of view, each day is multiplied into a dozen, and the bullets are slower than raindrops rolling down a window pane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barry Allen, Dying Man

His name is Barry Allen, and every so often a megalomanaical speedster appears and tries to kill him. And sometimes he almost feels like he should thank them, because now even most metahumans are just so _slow,_ and he can walk between bullets with all the time in the world.

He remembers when he had to have a running start of three blocks to break the sound barrier. Now he can run twice, three times, four times that fast, and he skids to a stop with lightning in his lungs.

“You think you can put some extra padding in the knees and shins?” Barry asks Cisco after the third time he slips and rips his legs open to the bone. (It’s not as bad as it might sound, he heals so quickly- but the scars take a day or two to disappear entirely, and they slow him down a little.)

“Sure,” Cisco says, but he frowns a bit as he pokes at the torn leather. “Maybe I can get more of that dwarf star alloy,” he mumbles as he walks away with the suit in his hands. “That should be strong enough.”

“Thanks,” calls Barry.

 

* * *

 

It’s his birthday. He should turn thirty today, and Iris teases him about getting old. “You’re a year older than me,” he says, but it’s a lie. One of Barry’s legs flickers suddenly as he walks next to Iris (she insisted he walk with her today) and he nearly falls over.

“Tripped,” he says apologetically. Iris’ dark eyes are unconvinced, and she presses her lips together. Barry wonders if this is one of the reasons Wells- Eobard- used a wheelchair. As they walk, he focuses on keeping his legs underneath him, but the sudden turn of speed has drained away.

It’s nice to slow down for a little while, but Barry feels restless. He’s figured something out, he thinks, and it’s prickling at the back of his mind. He focuses on birdsong, on the rumble of cars on the street, the smell of coffee.

When he steps into the Cortex, a dozen voices shout, “Surprise!”  
“Whoa,” says Barry, a smile spreading over his face, and the little prickle in his thoughts fades away. “Jesse? Is that you?”

“Dad and I came all the way here for your birthday,” says Jesse. She looks older than Barry remembers, and her hair is cut into a short, curly puff. “Just _wait_ until you see what we found out I could do!”

“I was gonna tell you, but Jesse wanted it to be a surprise,” Cisco grins. He’s wearing his Vibe goggles, and Barry realizes that he sees Cisco with them on more often than not. In fact, he doesn’t remember when-

But suddenly, Jesse zips across the room in a flash of yellow lightning, and Barry jumps. “Wha- what- Jesse’s a speedster? Since _when?”_

Laughing, Jesse comes to a dead stop in front of him, holding a cake. “I couldn’t get the candles to stay lit,” she said, “But we can just pretend you blew them out.”

There are thirty candles, (the time it takes him to count them is barely a heartbeat for anyone but him) and Barry feels a little bit guilty. The cake is his favorite, and he wonders if it was Iris who ordered it.

 

After the party, he pulls Cait aside. “Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure, what’s going on?”

Barry rubs the back of his neck, nervously. He hopes Cait will tell him he’s wrong, but he knows she won’t. He doesn’t know how he _knows,_ but-

“So, when I use my speed powers,” he says, “It seems like a few seconds to the rest of you, but to me it’s… the same amount of time it would usually take. Doesn’t matter if I’m running or just reading.”

Caitlin frowns as Barry keeps talking. “So- well, I was wondering if maybe I might be… older now.” Her eyes widen with understanding, and she rests a hand on his arm, gentle, sympathetic. Barry braces himself, but he still winces, imperceptibly, when she says,

“Barry… I’m so sorry. I should have thought of this before-”

“No, no, it’s not a big deal,” he says, babbling a little. “I didn’t even think of it until last year, it’ll be okay, and it’s not all that much time,”

“Barry.”

“Yeah?”

“Barry, you’re talking _way_ too fast. You sped up halfway through, I didn’t catch anything.”

“Oh! I’m sorry, Cait,” he starts, and sighs. “Look, it- it wasn’t a problem until recently, but over the past few months it’s been harder and harder for me to _not_ tap into the Speed Force. Just earlier today, I almost lost control-”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

“I- I guess I thought-” Barry is surprised at Caitlin’s sharp tone, and he starts to stammer.

“You thought, since you’re the only one of us who’s been inside the Speed Force, who knows what it’s like to be a speedster, you should deal with it.”

“Um- maybe?”

Sighing, Caitlin shakes her head. “Come on, I’ll need to run some tests.”

* * *

 It's getting harder for Barry to stay still, to stay, as Cisco says,  _slow._ Barry wants to protest that  _slow_ is when he's tapping into the speed force, when falling leaves hang still and frozen in the air and the rain turns to a thousand tiny droplets floating around him. Whenever he sits, he has a tapping foot, and whenever he walks, he moves in quick little spurts of golden lightning.

(And before he runs, Barry's eyes burn like molten gold- Cisco almost fainted the first time he saw his friend turn with light dripping from his eye sockets.)

"You're not vibrating at your full speed," says Caitlin, checking the readings from Barry's suit. "But it's fast enough that if you move at this speed all the time, you'll be loosing time off of your life."

"A lot of time," Cisco adds grimly. "I might be able to reverse it, if I can vibrate on the same frequency as you and... sort of push you to slow down?"

Caitlin shakes her head. "You could reverse it, once. What about the next time he starts running and he can't stop, or he looses control of his hands and cuts through another computer?"

"Sorry about that," mumbles Barry with a quick glance at the wreckage of the keyboard he destroyed two days ago. He knows what needs to happen next, and he hops off of the desk and onto his feet.

"Barry," says Caitlin warningly, "What are you doing?"

"Dude, we're working on a fix," says Cisco. "Until then, you need to stay right here-"

And Barry is gone, and he sees Cisco's mouth start to form another word but he  _really_ doesn't have time to hear it. Or, well, he has all the time in the world, from a certain point of view. He writes a letter and tucks it into Caitlin's hand. By the time her nervous system processes the feeling of paper against her skin, Barry will be far away.

He wonders if Cisco will come to try and get him back, this time. But he's always had the feeling that he needed to get back, ever since Iris and Cisco pulled him out of the Speed Force the first time. Not quite yet, though.

He writes a letter to Iris.

He buys her flowers. 

He leaves both where he knows she'll find them, in just a few minutes.

He can't feel his heartbeat.

He runs back in time.

He saves himself. It's a little early to run back, but not early enough to change time- very much. He wonders if Eobard's future will change, because of this. 

He wonders if he cares.

He doesn't run.

He just walks.

After all, he has time. How long has it been now? Two years? Three years? How old is he now? He doesn't know. He just knows that _now,_ it's time. He walks into the lightning. It tastes like breathing in several degrees of the sun. His eyes are golden. The world is golden.

 

* * *

 

Caitlin feels a letter tucked into her palm, and slowly looks down. She unfolds it.

"Whoa, is that Barry's handwriting?" asks Cisco over her shoulder, but Caitlin's eyes are already flicking over the lines, and her hand goes up to cover her mouth. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely Tmae's fault for letting me listen to The Ballad of Barry Allen~ also it was originally just supposed to imply that Barry died, but it kind of... escalated. Whoops. In addition to The Ballad of Barry Allen, I also listened to Youth (by Daughter) and These Streets and Icarus (both by Bastille) while writing this fic. 
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoyed this ANGST, maybe leave a review if you did? (Or if you didn't, review anyway, let me know what I should change!)


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